2 down, 10 to go.....

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.  Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.  ~Jacob A. Riis

Blog – an online personal journal containing reflections, experiences, opinions, observations, etc. about what is happening in a person’s life. 

I’m starting my blog off today with the definition of a blog because there’s something that I’m going to write about that wasn’t easy for me to hear, isn’t easy for me to write down, and probably won’t be easy for you to read.  You just have to keep in mind that this is my personal journal about what is happening in my life.  I’m telling it like it is, and I try not to do any sugarcoating.  There are days when I’m feeling really down in the dumps (not too often, fortunately), and I may not write at all on those days and just wait until I’m feeling a little more positive.  Other days I just feel like writing everything that’s on my mind at the moment.  Today is one of those days…..

Yesterday I had my weekly visit with Dr. Sprawls followed by Taxotere chemo #2.  I only had to wait about 10-15 minutes to see Dr. Sprawls, which was a record for sure.  That made me very happy.  The visit itself made me very sad.  On Tuesday, I had spoken with Mary (one of the nurse practitioners in the GI office I transcribe for).  She called mainly to tell me that she was finally direct depositing my paycheck (which she forgot to do at the end of June and then went on vacation!) and to discuss a few other business matters.  But she was also asking me how I was doing, where I was in my treatment, what’s planned for the future, etc.  So I filled her in on everything and told her that after this regimen of chemo, I would have a one-month “break” and then would be starting a 6-week regimen of radiation.  She asked why I needed the radiation if I had a bilateral mastectomy and pointed out some of the lifelong side effects of radiation, which I was aware of.  Anyway, she said she would have her husband (the doctor I transcribe for) ask an oncologist friend for his opinion on it – kind of a second opinion – which I was appreciative of.  And I also thought that I would have Dr. Sprawls refresh my memory as to why I needed the radiation.  I know he told me way back when, but he told me a LOT of stuff “way back when,” and I can’t remember everything. 

SO, I did just that.  I asked him to refresh my memory yesterday.  Why do I need radiation if I had a bilateral mastectomy?  He said to me, “You’re a high risk patient.  Of all our patients, you are in the category of most likely to die from breast cancer.”  Why, thank you so much, Dr. Sprawls.  Got any other cheery news up your sleeve??   And he said, “And THAT is why we want to do EVERYTHING possible to kill every possible cancer cell in your body and keep it from coming back.  Everything we are doing increases your odds a little bit.  The radiation will increase your odds by another 5%.”  5%??  Holy crap!!  That’s not much for all the body abuse, permanent damage, excessive financial expense, etc. etc.  He explained that we’re doing 4 things – surgery, chemotherapy, radiation therapy, and hormone therapy – and each item will improve my odds by a certain percentage – I think he might have even told me the percentage for each item, but I was in a fog by that point due to his sucker-punching, earth-shattering, life-altering statement earlier, and things were starting to go in one ear and out the other.  He said that even though 5% isn’t much, it’s something.  5% is better than 0.  And combined with all the other things, it’s a step in the right direction.  He also reiterated that a 5^th thing – exercise – will also improve my odds.  (So Kenny is on his way to storage as I write this to get the stairstepper back out, and I did my 30-minute walk and 40 – not 30 – laps in the pool today). 

At any rate, I was quite upset after yesterday’s visit and for most of the evening last night.  I had a very hard time getting to sleep, despite taking a sleeping pill.  But I’m feeling a little better today.  Although Dr. Sprawls was rather (no ‘rather’ about it) blunt yesterday, I’m going to try to take what he said and make me even more bound and determined to beat this wicked disease.  Yes, I still question whether I chose the right treatment path, but I’m “sucked in” now, so I’m going to stick with it and try to keep the positive attitude and just stay focused on fighting this ferocious battle.  My story WILL have a happy ending!! 

The other bit of bad news I got yesterday was that my white count was low again – 2.07.  It was high enough to proceed with the chemo, but now I’m paranoid about going out in the public, germ-infested world.  Too many sick people out there.  So I guess I will be a hermit and hide in our “cave” for awhile.  I’m sure cabin fever will set in before too long, but I’ll just have to go for a walk or a bike ride or a swim to help remedy that problem. 

Kenny will be going up to Jacksonville this weekend for a few days, and I won’t even have a car (but I have a pretty big “to do list” of things to get done around here).  We went up to Jacksonville last Saturday to look at a boat – a little 1977 25’ Albin cruiser – and we bought it!  Are we nuts or what??!!  He has been looking at Albins for awhile because they’re well built, solid, have nice lines, comfortable for the size, etc.  The boat seems to be in good shape but needs some TLC – cleaning up, spiffing, shining, whatever -- so that's what he will work on this weekend.  We both miss being on the water, so it will be nice to have that opportunity again.  And I think Kenny really needs a project and a diversion in life right now – something to do other than wonder when my next doctor’s appointment is or the next chemo drip or if I’ll feel up to doing anything, etc.  I think it will be really nice for him to have something else to focus on.  The boat comes with a trailer, so the plan is to store it on the trailer for $50/month when we’re out traveling in the RV.  When we come back, we can put the boat in the water, store the RV for $50/month, and take a trip in the boat.  We read a story online about a couple who took a 7-month trip in their 25’ Albin – more power to them – I’m not sure I’m ready for 7 months in 25 feet of space!....although we’ve been in 39’ of space (the RV) for 15 months now and 40’ of space (the houseboat) for 30 years before that! 

I guess I’ve rambled on enough for today.  I’ll post a few pictures of the boat (the gentleman in the cockpit is the previous owner) and sign off. 

I can’t thank you enough for all your love and support.  Keep those positive thoughts flowing.  And thank you for all your blog comments, emails, cards, phone calls, voice mails, etc. – I read them all, love them all, and you all really cheer me up and cheer me on – you give me the will to keep fighting.  Thank you!  And I love you all!