4th Cry

Anywhere is paradise; it's up to you.  ~Author Unknown

Until today, I have only cried 3 times since my diagnosis of breast cancer on February 2, 2011 – twice back at the beginning of February when Kenny said something the “wrong way” to me.  I don’t even remember what he said – it was something trivial and insignificant both times.  Mind you, it was really just that I was extremely emotional and sensitive during that timeframe; he really didn’t say anything wrong.  The flood gates were just waiting to burst – the slightest “breach” would cause them to come crashing open – and they did.  The third cry was during my encounter with, and all the way home from the office of, the tactless and insensitive oncologist (whom I subsequently fired from my medical team). 

Today was my 4^th breach of the flood gates.  It was just more than I could handle saying goodbye to Mom and Freeland prior to their departure (by car) to Maine and then dropping Nancy off at the Orlando airport to fly home to San Diego.  So I cried all the way home from the airport.  Since I had a lymphatic therapy session after dropping Nancy off, I had to stop at McDonald’s and run in the restroom to wash my face so I would look somewhat presentable for therapy.  The therapy session was relatively mild – not too much massage due to my tenderness/pain from the port installation.  She gave me some more exercises to add to my repertoire and talked about the compression sleeve that I need to order. 

It has been raining ALL day today – very gloomy – and it’s supposed to continue for most of the week.  But we had a fantastic 10 days when Mom, Freeland, and Nancy were here.  The weather was absolutely fabulous, and we had such a nice, relaxing, fun time together.  Last night we went to Fishlips in Port Canaveral for wine and appetizers and watched 3 of the cruise ships depart for sea.  And we rounded out our last night with – guess what?! – Mexican Train and 4-handed cribbage! 

This will be a busy work week for me but at least I don’t have too many appointments – one more lymphatic therapy session on Thursday.  Next week I start the “poison” phase of my treatment regimen – chemo starts on Friday, April 8^th.  I’m not looking forward to it – dreading it is more like it –  but I guess I’ve resigned myself to the fact that that’s the route I am going.

Time to take a break from the computer, have some dinner, read a book, and go to bed early. 

Hurtin' today

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.  ~Maori Proverb

Wow!  I thought yesterday's Infuse-A-Port installation would be a simple little surgical procedure.  I guess, basically, it was, and it went smoothly.  But silly me -- I thought we would go to a nice riverfront restaurant for lunch afterwards and then go for some more "retail therapy!"  Boy, was I wrong!  I was so far out in la-la land that we just came back to the hotel, and I slept for a couple of hours.  I was still pretty spaced out and dopey well into the evening, although we did manage to play some Mexican Train and 4-handed cribbage.  We were all in bed by 2030; it was a long day.  I had been up since 0230 -- couldn't sleep -- "so excited" about the impending surgical procedure, I guess.  And we had to leave the hotel by 0630 to get to Holmes Regional Medical Center by 0730.  Anyway, I'm glad that's over with.  Today I'm feeling somewhat human again, but I am REALLY sore at the port location and in the neck, where they apparently did something -- maybe went in there with guidewires??  There's some kind of incision there, and it's really hurtin' too.  Nothing that a little "retail therapy" and beach time can't fix!  J

Nancy is out for her morning run on the beach; I did 30 minutes on the treadmill this morning.  We'll all go for a walk on the beach later.....after we go check out the JCPenney doorbuster sale!  Tonight we'll probably go to a restaurant in Port Canaveral for dinner.  And we will no doubt play some more Mexican Train and cribbage -- might even throw in some Yahtzee! 

Been busy having fun!

Haven't written in several days because I've just been having way too much fun visiting with Mom, Freeland, and Nancy.  It is SOOO nice having them here.  We've been going for walks on the beach, "retail therapy" (a.k.a. shopping), playing Mexican Train, sitting by the pool, and just hanging out together. 

On Monday, I had my lymphedema consultation with Linda.  Due to some swelling in the chest area, she strongly encouraged me to make appointments for lymphatic decongestive therapy.  I don't have TIME for any more appointments!  WAAAAAAH!  Okay, I have to MAKE time for things that are important!  So, I went to my first lymphatic decongestive therapy appointment today and have 2 more scheduled for next week.  Then we'll go from there.  I can see that it's definitely something that will be beneficial since my lymphatic drainage system is now so compromised.

Tomorrow I go back "under the knife" again.  Nothing major.  An outpatient procedure to install the Infuse-A-Port for chemotherapy, but it IS done under general anesthesia, so I guess I won't be getting much accomplished tomorrow -- other than that.  Mom, Free, and Nancy are going to take me.  I gave Kenny the "day off" -- he has had to shuttle me around to so many appointments, and there are so many more to come -- so I figured he would enjoy the reprieve.

Not sure what we'll do this weekend, other than have more fun together.  I will be so sad to see them leave on Monday!

My wonderful support team!

Each day comes bearing its own gifts.  Untie the ribbons.  ~Ruth Ann Schabacker

What a gift it is to have 3 of the most important members of my support team here in Florida with me for 10 days!!!  And I'm so lucky to be staying with them at their 2-bedroom suite in Cape Canaveral/Cocoa Beach!  It is SOOO wonderful!  We're just having some real quality visiting time -- relaxing, hanging out, going to the beach, playing Mexican train, etc. etc.  Last night we even went to the beach again (after spending a few hours there in the afternoon) to see the spectacular full moon over the ocean -- it was so beautiful.  We missed the actual moonrise but got there shortly thereafter, and it was a sight to behold -- supposedly the biggest, brightest full moon in a LONG time, as it was the closest the moon has come to the earth in 18 years.  But you all probably already know that, so I don't need to be putting that trivial info on my blog.....LOL!

Friday's "chemo education" appointment (which Mom, Freeland, and Kenny attended with me) was......I'm not sure of the right word(s)......interesting, depressing, enlightening, scary.  Jackie, the ARNP, was very nice and did a really good job of "laying it on the line" as far as what to expect with the chemotherapy.  Sugarcoating it was not an option.  Although I was aware of a lot of what to expect as far as side effects go, it was a little difficult to have it all spelled out for me, including side effects that I wasn’t aware of or that are rare and hopefully won’t happen, but they have to present them.  I won’t go into all the details because maybe I’ll be extremely lucky and won’t experience ANY side effects!  Not likely!  How can one’s body accept all those toxic poisons and not react in a rebellious manner?!  SOOOO, most assuredly, I will be experiencing nausea, vomiting(?), aches and pains, and total hair loss (Nancy bought me 3 really cute bandanas yesterday, and I’ve also started collecting hats).  Jackie also said that fatigue will be one of the biggest problems – indeed it will be, if it happens, because I’m not used to that at all.  At any rate, I guess I just have to wait and see…..take it one day at a time…..and “keep the positive attitude” going.  I’m still doing very well in that department….fortunately.

The poisons in my chemo protocol are going to be TAC (Taxotere, Adriamycin, and Cytoxan), which is going to be A&C every 21 days for 4 sessions, followed by T every week for 12 weeks.  Within 72 hours of each session of the A/C, I will also get Neulasta (which I believe is an injection).  I think the radiation will start sometime during the Taxotere regimen; it apparently cannot be given along with the A/C regimen. 

Okay, I’m going to stop talking about this now because it’s kind of nauseating me.  I think we need to get outside and enjoy some of the beautiful 80-degree Florida weather.  I need to get my mind off this subject for awhile.  I just wanted to say how happy I am that Mom, Freeland, and Nancy are here!  They are just filled with such love and support, and it’s just what I need right now! 

But I can’t sign off without mentioning the MOST important member of my support team – my wonderful husband!  He is staying in the RV with the dogs, so I can “hang out" with my family (which I’m sure is also a nice break for him).  Perhaps we’ll go have a cookout at the RV this evening and spend some time with Kenny and the doggies, hanging out on the river!  

Mom and Freeland have arrived! Sister Nancy arrives tomorrow!

"Always laugh when you can, it is cheap medicine. Merriment - it is the sunny side of existence."  ~ Lord Byron

SOOOO nice to have Mom and Freeland here!  They made good time and arrived in Titusville (driving from Maine) this afternoon.  They treated us to a nice dinner at Paul's Smokehouse on the river in Titusville -- a very fun evening.  Nancy arrives tomorrow from San Diego!  I'm really looking forward to a fun, relaxing, therapeutic 10 days with them.  They make me feel so special....coming from such far corners of the country!!

Well, I made it through appointment #7 today.  I have one more tomorrow (I ended up with 8 this week instead of 7).  Busiest, craziest week yet!!  But everything is going well so far.  We have a really good "team" in place -- we really like the surgeon, the oncologist, the internal medicine doc, and the chiropractor/clinical nutritionist -- so that's a good thing.  And, of course, I cannot forget the rest of the team -- all the people without whom I could not possibly make this journey -- MY WONDERFUL FAMILY AND FRIENDS!  Thank you all so much for hangin' in there with me and taking this crazy roller coaster ride! 

I finished up with physical therapy today.  They were so helpful and showed me lots of good exercises to continue doing at home to improve my range of motion, mobility, and strength.  They took measurements of various movements I made on my first visit with them last Friday and then again today (my 3rd and final visit), and there was a dramatic improvement, so that was really encouraging.  I'm hopeful that it will improve even more if I continue to do the exercises on my own.....which I have faithfully been doing.

Tomorrow's appointment is for "chemo education."  I'm a little nervous about that one because I think they will "spell it all out" in black and white for me.....not sure I want to know all the details, as I am still very apprehensive about the whole thing.  I'll let you know how it goes.......

2 appointments down, 5 more to go......this week......

Just wanted to drop in and make a post before heading off to bed.  I had 2 appointments today, with 5 more appointments to go.....this week.  Ooooeee.....making me kinda crazy......   This morning we met my new oncologist and liked him a lot.  I was really having my doubts about doing the chemo......and I still really have my doubts......but he was like a really good (and funny and likable) used car salesman (I usually detest used car salesmen, but he was really good).....and I made an appointment for my first bout of chemotherapy to start on April 8th.  This Friday (3/18), I will go for "chemo education" to learn about all the wonderful things to expect during this next phase of my treatment -- the hair loss, the nausea, the vomiting, the fatigue, etc. etc.  Should be enlightening.   


After the onco appointment, we had another appointment with the surgeon to make sure things were healing properly (they are) and that the fluid buildup I'm experiencing is normal (it is).  If the fluid buildup gets worse -- and feels and looks like a water balloon sloshing around on my chest -- then I'll have to go in and have it drained.  But he was optimistic that my body would take care of it properly and it shouldn't be a problem. 


I have now lost 21 pounds.  YAY!!!!  I'm very happy about that.  Don't try this at home, though -- I DO NOT recommend this weight loss program for anybody.....not even an enemy (do I have any of those?  hope not!)  There definitely have to be more fun ways to lose weight than by "joining the horrible club" I've been forced to join.  The onco did mention that exercise is a very important part of the treatment plan, and he said to eat protein and vegies, and I can continue to take my vitamins and supplements during chemo (although he said I might have to stop them, or some of them, during radiation because of interactions).


Okay, it is time for me to call it a day. 

Yet another beautiful day on the Space Coast of Florida.....

Worry is like a rocking chair – it will give you something to do, but it won’t get you anywhere.

It's a little cool today, but it's really gorgeous.  It was 41 when I got up at 5:30 this morning.  Now it has warmed up to around 70.  The sun is shining, and I'm sitting her looking out at the Banana River.  Soon I will go outside and do the exercises I learned in physical therapy yesterday.  I think they are going to be most helpful in restoring proper function to my upper body and getting some range of motion back in my left arm. 

Last night we had the pleasure of being dinner guests of dear friends at the Atlantic Ocean Grille, which is on the Cocoa Beach Pier -- right out over the ocean.  It was a gorgeous evening, the food was delicious, the company great, AND there was a spectacular Delta IV rocket launch -- right out our waterfront window!  It doesn't get any better than that!  The launch was delayed slightly due to technical problems, which made it even more beautiful because a little more daylight had disappeared (it launched at 6:38 p.m.), and the colors of the sun on the curling trail of smoke left behind were awesome -- pink, yellow, white.  Okay, I think you get the idea -- living on the Space Coast is really great! 

Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed trying to make the right decisions about treatment, etc., trying to juggle appointments (I have 2 on Monday, 1 on Tuesday, and 2 on Thursday this week....in various parts of the county), work full time, training another new person, trying to exercise and walk every day, etc. etc. 

I also feel like I could quit my transcription job and get a job in the freak show at the circus!  Just kidding!  But, now that I'm taking regular showers again, I have to look at "the stuff" on a regular basis.  Oh my!  It's way more than I can handle.  It's not a pretty sight.  Hopefully it will get "prettier" as time goes on.  I don't know what I was thinking, but I kind of imagined that I would just have a beautiful, smooth, flat chest without boobs.  I didn't picture THIS at all.  Sorry, but I don't think I'll be posting any photos...... 

Another interesting thing I have noticed is that I get really cold really easily now that I don't have boobs.  BBR (before boob removal), I used to be HOT all the time; in fact, Kenny and I used to have major thermostat wars -- he would want the heat on when I would want the A/C on, and he was always freezing when I was always roasting.  Well, now maybe we'll come to an agreement on that front because I'm cold all the time now.  Maybe it's a temporary thing because of all the nerve damage, etc.  Who knows?!  It's also painful to shiver, so I just try to keep warm.

It's about those exercises -- I need to get outside and do them!    

And Shuttle Discovery has made its final landing......

What an awesome sight to see the Shuttle Discovery traverse the bright blue, cloudless Florida sky on its very last approach to Kennedy Space Center.....ever.  "Its wheels have stopped after 27 years of space flying...." was the announcement just made on the NASA channel.  It's very rare that we get to see the shuttles come home because it is so hard to pick the little white speck out of the sky, especially if you don't know what direction to look in.  However, it was in the cards today.  We went outside and looked up, and there she was!  OMG!  It was a beautiful sight.  I still have tears in my eyes -- so happy they made it home safely......so sad Discovery will never fly again and the shuttle program is coming to an end.

Now I need to get back to work.  I'm having a good day today.  Lots of transcription to do but handling it well.  Ken and I went for a 2-mile walk earlier.  I'm feeling good.  Will be starting post-mastectomy physical therapy on Friday -- hopefully I can get some of the range of motion restored to my left arm.....and hopefully learn some exercises and things to help stave off lymphedema and improve the upper body situation.

Good news and bad news......

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.  ~Katherine Paterson

The good news is that the surgeon removed the drains today.  As you can see in the above photo, they were a huge nuisance.....and you can't even see the 2-3 feet of tubing that went with each one of the "bulbs".....because I had to crop the photo to get rid of my fat stomach.....LOL!  So that's another story altogether.  I never really noticed how fat and flabby my stomach was because there were always boobs there -- sticking out (I mean drooping) somewhere between my eyes and my stomach.  So it wasn't so noticeable.  HOWEVER, there are no longer any boobs there to take the emphasis away from the stomach!  Eeeeh gads!  The stomach has GOT to go!  (with diet and exercise......not excision/amputation!)  Okay.....that was a lot of mumble jumble about nothing.  Back to the drain removal.  It feels SO good to be rid of them, although the actual removal did not feel SO good at all.  You see, there was actually about 5 inches of tubing (with each tube) under the skin, up inside, to whatever areas needed to be drained.  All I can say is that I'm glad I took a pain pill before I went to the appointment this morning.  I told Dr. Imami that I took one an hour before the visit because I wasn't sure what he had up his sleeve to do to me today....LOL!  It helped, but it was still pretty uncomfortable when they pulled those things out.  BUT.....they're GONE!  And I feel so much better!  And I can take a shower tomorrow!  And I can't wait! 

And now for the bad news.  Kenny and I were hoping and praying all the way to the appointment this morning (actually, ever since the surgery) that the pathology report would be better than the last one; i.e., we were hoping that the staging would change from a stage IIIA to a IIA.  And we were dreaming that it would change to a stage I or that maybe they would even say, "Guess what?!  Good news!  There actually wasn't any cancer at all.  It was all a mistake."  I could live without my boobs just fine and the knowledge that there wasn't ever any cancer.  It was fun to dream about, but it didn't happen.  The staging actually changed to a stage IIIC (which is the last stage before stage IV.....which is the last stage).  The reason the stage changed is because there were a lot more lymph nodes involved than they originally thought, which they didn't know until they actually removed them.  It turns out that 24 of 25 lymph nodes had cancer.  Bummer.  BUT.....I am NOT going to let that get me down.  I keep telling myself that it could be worse -- it could be stage IV(it's not), it could have been in the other breast (it wasn't), it could have been elsewhere in the body besides the lymph nodes (it wasn't) -- and it IS what it IS, and I am going to deal with it.......kick it in the ass......beat it......and get on with my life! 

On that note, I will sign off for now.  Hang in there, everybody.  Things WILL get better!!   Just keep thinking all those positive thoughts! 

Feeling kinda blue this afternoon.......

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails.  ~Author Unknown

I had a really good day yesterday.  I drove for the first time since the surgery -- drove myself to Walmart in the morning and drove myself to get a haircut in the afternoon.  It felt great to get some of my independence back.  I hated making Kenny take me places, although he did it without complaint.  Anyway, it was nice to have the freedom of going places I wanted to go.  And it felt SOOO good to get a shampoo and a nice haircut -- I desperately needed both! Last night we went out for Mexican food with some good friends and had a nice evening.  We usually go to the game room afterwards and play a game of pool or two, but I didn't feel quite up to the "bending and stretching."  Driving, a haircut, and dinner out was enough excitement for one day.  Came home and watched a movie (The Bucket List -- enjoyed it) and then crashed.  Slept well again -- love those nighttime pain meds!

Today the visiting nurse came back and changed my dressings again -- a tad painful but tolerable.  She said everything looked good.  We'll see what the surgeon says on Monday. 

I'm still TOTALLY enjoying a hiatus from work.  The girls I have covering for me have been fabulous and said, "Don't worry about anything.  We've got it covered until next week.  Relax and recover."  They're the best!  It's so nice to read a book in the middle of the day, watch a movie in the evening, sleep late in the morning.......  I'm sure it's helping the healing aspect tremendously.

This afternoon I just started feeling a little blue.  It happens now and then but fortunately not very often.  And I know I'll snap out of it in due time.  Things just started mounting up -- feeling frustrated with the dang drains (can only wear large, long, oversized, men's shirts; if the shirt is too short, the tubes hang down below it; if the shirt is too tight, the "bulbs" bulge out -- they do even with the big huge shirts), armpits are stinking from not being able to take a shower (sponge baths just don't cut it), worried about the numbness in my upper left arm (is it permanent from lymph node removal or temporary from the surgery? -- my whole chest area is actually still numb, so maybe it's all normal), stressed out from writing a letter to Humana appealing the denial of claims for lab work for the biopsy and the doctor performing rounds in the hospital, and frustrated about some computer issues. 

However, Kenny just got back from doing some errands.  So maybe we'll take the dogs for a walk and then sit outside, enjoy some fresh air, and maybe have a fire.  I'm sure that will help my mood considerably.

Moving on to a better mood........tomorrow is another day........

Lovin' the Florida sunshine!

Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home.
   The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.         - Charles Swindoll

Yesterday Kenny and I went for a 1.6-mile walk on a beautiful trail through the wetlands, and I felt really good afterwards.  Today we did 2.2 miles in 44 minutes -- not a break-neck speed but definitely faster than a stroll.  It was no problem at all.  Yay!!  It feels really good to get out for a walk in the beautiful, fresh Florida air and sunshine.  It's in the mid-70s today but is supposed to be in the low 80s over the weekend!  It's wonderful!

The visiting nurse came yesterday (Mary, same one as Tuesday -- very nice) and changed the dressings again.  She also cleaned up the area around the drain sites because she said it looked "pretty gnarly."  Ooooeeeee!  That did NOT feel good when she was cleaning up that area.  She looked at the incisions and commented that the surgeon did a beautiful job with the surgery.  And she and Kenny both said the incisions looked really good.  Phew!  (I really didn't want to look myself -- not quite ready for that again yet.)  Mary also said that 3 other people besides me called and complained about Linda (Monday's nurse) and said they didn't want her back.  She really needs a different profession.

Last night while we were watching a movie (Mad Money with Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah -- pretty funny), my boobs (or lack thereof) felt like they were on FIRE!  Wow!  What a sensation that was.  I put an ice pack on, and that really helped.  By the time the movie was over, and bedtime had arrived, things were okay.

This morning was the most pain I have been in all week.....since the "freight-train" syndrome on Sunday morning.  I guess that's all part of the healing process.  I was hoping to eliminate the daytime pain meds, but I ended up taking one at 1000 this morning, and that definitely took the edge off things.  So I guess I'm taking a pain pill about every 12 hours, which isn't too bad.  I take one just before bed (around 2200), and that really helps me sleep well.....which is a REALLY nice change for me. 

I actually did a little bit of transcription this afternoon -- easing back into it very slowly.  I'll do some more over the weekend, too.

More battles with the insurance company today.  Discovered that the doctor who made rounds in the hospital Friday night and Saturday afternoon was out of network.  I had called my insurance company last week and specifically asked them what happens when I'm in the hospital and I have no control over what labs they use, what anesthesiologist they use, etc. etc.  They assured me that as long as I was in a hospital that was in network (I was), and the surgeon is in network (he is), then everything that transpires during that hospital stay would be covered because they realize the patient has no control over it.  And then whammo!  I see the "rounding doc" is out of network.  They said it's still "in review", so it's possible it will change and be considered in network.  If not, write a letter of appeal.....   What a hassle.  I also found out that my deductible ($5200) is per calendar year, so it's a good thing this happened at the beginning of the year.  Imagine if it was October, and I would have to meet $5200 in October and then again in January. 

Time to take the doggies for a nice walk.......

Life is good.......

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell.    

~Lance Armstrong

Kenny and I just got back from a nice walk along the river -- about a mile round trip -- and it was no problem at all, which makes me very happy.

I called Home Health first thing this morning and very nicely requested that Linda not return to see me again.  I said I didn't want to hurt her feelings but she stressed me out too much.  I explained that I’m not usually a complainer and consider myself very tolerant and positive and upbeat, but she was just a real downer.  My apologies, but I don’t have room in my life for real downers at the moment.  Even Kenny said she's gotta go.   She kept wanting to harp on how bad her day had been and how everything had gone wrong from equipment failures to patients cancelling to filling in for sick nurses, etc. etc.  She must have mentioned her “bad day” at least 3 or 4 times.  I really wanted to say to her, “Lady, I’ve had a bad month and a bad year (so far), and I would give anything to trade places with you and have your 'bad day,' so quit complaining."  She even asked me yesterday what stage my cancer was, and I told her the surgeon made a rough guess of stage IIIA based on the initial biopsy.  She said, "Oh WOW!  You know stage IV is the worst, right?"……implying that I’m not too far from it…..  “Thanks for emphasizing that, idiot!  Take your tact and stress someplace else please; I prefer to remain positive and upbeat, and you're not helping me." 

Fortunately, they sent somebody different today, and she was very nice.  She also happens to be a cancer survivor (colon cancer) and can relate to the cancer woes, etc.  I told her about my encounter yesterday with "Nurse Ratched," and she said that not many people like her, and most people don't want her back a second time.  That woman needs to find a new career.  I don't know why she still has a job there, but I think maybe they only use her when they're desperate (they had 4 people out yesterday). 

I guess I don't really have much other news today.  The drains are draining less, which is a good thing, but they're still a gigantic pain in the neck....or chest......  I'm taking fewer pain pills -- about one every 10 hours, although I can take 2 every 4 hours if I want to.  I prefer not to. 

Still enjoying "down time" from work.  Being lazy and reading books is suiting me just fine, although I'll probably start doing some transcription again on Thursday or Friday.